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Hidden hypocrisy: the toll of wearing two faces |
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By YASMIN MOGAHED, Columnist
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“No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally becoming bewildered as to which may be true.”
This quote by Nathaniel Hawthorne describes a fictional character. But the truth behind it is anything but fiction.
All people must play multiple roles within their lives. A daughter is often also a mother, a wife, a sister, and a professional all at the same time. A man must often play the role of son, father, husband, brother, as well as active member of society.
Each of these roles must be balanced at once. But what happens when different roles become different faces? What happens when we are one person to the world, and an entirely different person to our families at home?
This type of split personality can be seen throughout our own Muslim community. A large number of our youth save their politeness and courtesy for the world, but leave none for the home. Outside, they treat their teachers and superiors with the utmost respect, but at home with their parents, they are rude and disrespectful. Many of our men are kind and gentle to people at the Masjid, but when they return home, they are harsh and cruel, mistreating their wives and children. Many of our women show extensive gratitude to strangers, but with their husband, express little thanks.
This kind of hypocrisy goes against everything we are taught by Allah and His messenger. In fact, those people who we treat the worst are often those whom Allah has commanded us to treat the best.
For example, the youth who save their politeness only for public, need only to keep in mind Allah’s words. “And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honor. And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: ‘My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was small’” (Qur’an 17:23-24).
In this verse, Allah warns us against using even the expression ‘uff’ (translated here as “word of disrespect”) with our parents. “Uff” is nothing more than a mild show of irritation, and yet Allah forbids us from saying it to our parents. Now compare this sound forbidden by the Qur’an, with the kinds of words we use every day with our parents. In fact, showing disrespect to parents is so hated by Allah that when describing the greatest sins, the Prophet said “To join partners in worship with God, to kill a soul which Allah has forbidden to kill, and to be undutiful or unkind to one’s parents…”[Bukhari].
So how can we continue to give our best treatment to others, while the Prophet made sure to repeat thrice that it is the mother and then the father who are most deserving of our kind treatment? [Bukhari]
Such kind treatment is highly stressed in Islam, and is frequently shown by husbands — but often not to their wives. Sometimes our men display all their tolerance and politeness at work and the Masjid, but at home they wear a different face entirely. This disparity exists despite the fact that the Prophet has said, “The most perfect believers are the best in character, and the best of you are the kindest to their families” [Abu Dawud & Tirmidhi]. Imagine that this type of kindness to one’s wife and family is so important that the Prophet would use it as the criteria for greatness in a believing man.
The Prophet went on to stress the importance of kindness when he said, “He who is deprived of kindness and gentleness is, in fact, deprived of all good” [Muslim]. And he emphasized the importance of controlling one’s anger in his saying, “The strong man is not the one who is strong in wrestling, but the one who controls himself in anger” [Bukhari & Muslim].
But controlling one’s anger is not all we are commanded to do. Showing gratitude is also crucial. Often there are women who are careful to say thank you for every small favor from strangers, but show little gratitude towards their husbands. The Prophet warned that many women will end up in hell-fire for this exact reason. Describing them, he said they will be those who are “ungrateful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors and the good (charitable deeds) done to them… if [their husband] has always been good (benevolent) to one of them and then she sees something in [him] (not of her liking), she will say, ‘I have never received any good from you” [Bukhari].
Stressing the importance of showing gratitude, the Prophet has said, “He who does not thank people, does not thank Allah” [Ahmad, Tirmidhi]. Gratitude, kindness, and respect are all qualities fundamental to the success of a believer… success that can only be achieved by turning to Allah in complete sincerity, with one face — not two.
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