Internal conflicts
By Shahla Khan, IFN Staff Reporter   
Tuesday, 03 November 2009
American Muslim teens face a daily struggle in defining their identity

The clock on the wall of Kaplan Test-Prep Center in Austin, Texas points to 6:30; ten minutes left until the time for Asr (afternoon prayer) ends. Sixteen-year-old Amir glances at his wrist watch, worried that his SAT preparation class won’t end in time. He knows he should probably leave the session early so he doesn’t miss prayer, but the thought of getting up in front of everyone and leaving the room makes him nervous. “What will they think of me,” he wonders anxiously. He decides to stay and misses the prayer.

Meanwhile, at a movie theatre in downtown Los Angeles, 17-year-old Khadeeja waits at a parking lot to meet up with some friends for pizza. Her cell phone rings; it’s her mother. Khadeeja’s boyfriend’s car approaches from around the corner; she looks frantically at her ringing phone again and presses ignore. She takes the front seat next to Brad and recites a short prayer to herself, hoping her mother doesn’t call again while she is with him.

Across the country in Queens, N.Y., 15-year-old Bilal walks out of a movie theatre with his older cousin Hussain and his friend Sam. They get into Hussain’s car and head off. It only takes them ten minutes to arrive at their destination, a place Bilal has never been to before. Though a bit confused, Bilal nonetheless follows Hussain and Sam into Club Tobago. He could smell the alcohol from before he even entered. “Ready to get drunk, Billy?” Hussain slides a small shot glass over to Bilal; it’s the first time the teen has drank. It won’t be his last time.

In Dove Creek, Colo., 14-year-old Amina takes out her schedule and notices she’ll be five minutes late to geometry class. What a great way to start her first day at a new school, she thinks. She finds the room and takes a deep breath before entering, anxious of what might come. They stared at her of course. First for a few seconds, then for a few minutes; it seemed like it would never stop. The piercing ogles gave her chills. As class ends, Amina packs her things, adjusts the pins on her headscarf and darts to the door, trying her best to ignore the giggles that followed her out.

For Amir, Khadeeja, Bilal, and Amina, growing up as a Muslim teenager in America is an overwhelming task – sometimes a blessing, other times a confusing battle between self-identity and the expectations of others.

Amidst rock bands and calculus homework, tight jeans and headscarves, beer and pepperoni, parental expectations and religious obligations, Muslim teens in America today are faced with more challenges than ever before, and Sept. 11, 2001 has not made the task any less daunting.

Many people fail to realize that teens are faced with the vast burden of sorting out their Muslim individualities while finding unique ways to fit into a society that knows little about them and holds a host of impressions upon them.
 
“Adolescence is a time of self discovery and finding a niche in society for where one belongs,” writes 15-year-old Sarah Mandvi of Whittier, Calif. for the local newspaper. “However, the life of a Muslim teenager is dissimilar in many aspects, such as praying punctually five times a day, and maintaining the principles that accumulate to the final judgment day, for which all sacrifices are rewarded with eternal paradise.” 

This bittersweet taste of self-discovery, as Mandvi states, can only occur through the vines of life — the trials and triumphs that are entangling youth in a myriad of confusion as they search fervently for the much desired Muslim-American identity. 

Though teens are fully aware of the vices and problems they may encounter which often involve situations that test their stamina, scrutinize their faith, and challenge their individuality, they are still faced with innumerable temptations and difficulties every day that make the decision between right and wrong that much more difficult.

Dr. Louis Abdellatif Cristillo, a professor at Teachers College at Columbia University, studied experiences of Muslim boys and girls in New York City public high schools in a three-year research initiative. Funded by the Ford Foundation, the project collected data on how the post-9/11 school climate has impacted the lives and attitudes of youth, especially in regard to their personal identification as Muslims and Americans.
The thorns on the vines
 
It may come as a surprise that most of the challenges encountered by Muslim teens are the same as those faced by the majority of teens in America. Though convincing your parents to buy you the coolest new pair of shoes or trying to figure out how to finish ten chapters of  Moby Dick in one sitting the night before the exam may be burdensome for some, it is definitely not the worst of challenges that a Muslim teen can face, especially in post-9/11 America.

On Sept. 8, a 16-year-old Muslim girl of Iraqi descent was allegedly attacked on her way home from her first day of high school in Ann Arbor, Mich. 

According to a press release, her family told the Michigan chapter of the Council on American-Islamic Relations that the attackers hit the girl numerous times, pulled off her headscarf, and dragged her to a home.

"The constant cracks at Muslims in general are enough to make the girls feel different, misunderstood, hurt, and secluded" said Noura Badawi, an educator from Columbia University. "This is especially true for those girls who wear hijab. Some of them removed it out of insecurity and fear of being singled out, targeted, and being the butt of a joke."

The headscarf, a mandatory part of the female Islamic dress code, is often associated with oppression by Westerners. This, according to Badawi, compounds how young Muslim girls feel, act, and are thus treated by others.

"Sometimes the pressure is so great that the teenagers go the complete opposite direction or break free by moving away as soon as an opportunity comes up,” said Badawi. "Muslim teenagers are very conflicted; they have a need to assimilate, but they also have a strong desire to please their parents and their community.”
"It is often young girls, more than boys, who must consciously negotiate their identity in public," said Cristillo. “Some boys who shave and groom themselves like other kids in the school can hide their ethnic background.”

However, Cristillo added, “The stereotype that young Muslim men pose a threat continues to be a problem for many high schoolers.”


The three D’s

Being Muslim does not protect one to the ills of society, and discrimination is not the only problem Muslim teens in the U.S. are facing. Harmful trends are arising within the Muslim teen population itself, some of which are issues not usually discussed at the dinner table, nor at Sunday school of at mosque youth group meetings.

The three D’s — dating, drinking, and drugs — are not uncommon phenomena and are becoming more prevalent as we embark upon a new era in the American Muslim experience. Dating, alcohol, drugs, and even sex outside of marriage are becoming common place nowadays among all teens, and though Islam places strong emphasis on avoiding these matters, young Muslims are following the trend as well.

“Dating, I think, is probably one of the most prevalent issues when it comes to Muslim teens,” says Imam Tahir Anwar, director of Religious Services at the South Bay Islamic Association in San Jose, Calif. “Drugs are the next biggest issue and alcohol after that. Kids are just doing it to look cool because everyone else is doing it. The sad part is, not only are these things un-Islamic, they’re not really accepted by society in general. I don’t necessarily think they are ‘hard-pushers,’ just kids who have been influenced in the wrong way. They need the right guidance — at home, from good role models, and especially from the community.”

Anwar, who is also an Islamic Studies teacher at Granada Islamic School in nearby Santa Clara, feels that high school is the critical period for most Muslim teens, in terms of developing their identities and characters.

“High school is the make-it or break-it age,” he said. “Some kids develop a strong sense of realization and deen-consciousness while others go astray. It’s important that teenagers realize the impact of the decisions they make during this time — the friends they choose, the activities they go to — these habits stay with them throughout college when they’re on their own and begin to discover themselves fully and craft themselves into the individuals they want to be for the rest of their lives.”

Anwar feels that community involvement is essential when it comes to educating both teens and families about the “taboos” plaguing the Muslim youth.

“One of the main reasons why support systems don’t exist for teens is because many people don’t even know these issues exist,” said Anwar. “Parents are especially in denial; they never want to believe that it’s actually happening to their child. This can be very detrimental in getting the teen help.”




Getting past the parental units

Though many parents may fear that Western cultural norms may in fact take over the lives of their children altogether, teens on the other hand feel that assimilation is inevitable and may in fact add to their overall personality development.

“I think it’s important to be just as involved in American culture as it is Islam,” says 15-year-old Sara Shaikh* of Lancaster, Calif. “I try my best to keep up to date with the latest fashions in clothes and music because I think it’s important as Muslims to be well aware of the world we live in so other people can identify with us.”

For many parents, however, the concern is not where or how to assimilate, but rather to assimilate at all.

"As a parent, it’s scary to let my teenage son and daughter hang out with friends sometimes,” said Khalid Abdul-Rahman* of Inglewood, Calif. “I know that they deserve a right to socialize and be active participants in society, however even if they are not the one’s making the bad decision, they can easily fall into a pit based on the negative influences around them. Assimilation can gear our kids away from Islam and its teachings.”

Other parents, however, feel that balance is the key and assimilation is alright, as long as certain boundaries are not overstepped.

“In America, there is sort of a double standard, which is why so many kids get confused about what they need to do, what is right, and where they belong,” said Sara’s mother, Lubna.* “I raised my children with a balance of both worlds; going to any one extreme is not healthy, in my opinion, for a proper upbringing in this time period. Of course, I don’t like her skinny jeans or the fact that she listens to her rock music for long periods of time, but even though I may tell her to stop once in a while, I don’t want to pressure her because I see her doing good things as well, like performing her salah (daily prayers), going to halaqas, getting good grades, and being respectful to her peers. I feel like over time, she will come to be the best Muslimah on her own.”

Shaikh isn’t the only parent who feels that pressure from parental units can be debilitating.

“One of the problems that many parents and teens are facing is a lack of engagement,” said renowned nasheed artist Zain Bhikha of Johannesburg, South Africa.

Bhikha, a father of four, feels that parents should take an active role in getting to know the likes and dislikes of their kids, before setting standards that they may not be able to reach.

“For example, there is the issue about music; if my son comes up to me and says he likes a certain song, and I say ‘No don’t listen to this, it’s haraam (forbidden),’ I am really shutting the door,” he said. “But if I engage him and really talk to him about it and equip him with a methodology with how to deal with it, he will be much better off. Kids are facing these challenges every day, not just in choice of music, but in many different situations, and they will be exposed to these things no matter what. I’d rather parents give the right advice to their kids rather than kids getting the advice from somewhere else. Hopefully we can put so much in their mind that they will begin to make their own right decisions.”




Peer pressure

It is safe to say that societal norms have a substantial effect on the decisions many teens make on a daily basis. The influence of peers can have both positive and negative outcomes, and the “right or wrongness” about a certain decision is only as good or bad as it seems to be in the eyes of others.

“It’s tough to say no to your friends when they are going out in mixed gatherings, or to answer people when they ask me about my religion,” said 16-year-old Basil Ibrahim* of Orange County, Calif. “Sometimes, I do feel embarrassed to be Muslim just because of all the bad things people will think about me. I’m afraid to lose my friends, so I will act like them to fit in. But later, I feel bad about the decisions I made because I know that it’s probably not what God wanted me to do.”

Teens face several areas of peer pressure; pressure to do well in school, pressure to be the perfect Muslim, even pressure towards taking a first sip of alcohol. It may be that many youth are unaware of the extremity of the ills around them and are simply choosing the easiest path for a certain situation.

“I’ve learned that Muslim youth are no different than the general public youth. They are prone to make the same mistakes other people do,” said Munir Iqtish of the Muslim American Society Bay Area Chapter. “Just being a Muslim doesn’t make someone immune to their surroundings. Sometimes people may say, ‘Oh how can you have a girlfriend, you are a Muslim,’ or ‘Why does he drink, he is a Muslim.’ People don’t realize that sometimes, that’s just the nature of things or our society.”

As a well-known speaker of MAS and with ten years of experience working as a youth mentor and counselor, Iqtish, has become a role model for Muslim youth throughout California. Through his active participation in northern California Islamic Centers, college campuses, and youth study circles, Iqtish is often recognized for offering outstanding guidance while tackling tough issues facing teens and parents today.

“It’s important to remember that no matter how big a problem the youth are involved in, whether it be sexual relations, drugs, alcohol, never judge them because of their mistakes,” said Iqtish. “Always have open arms and try to work on their problems with them. Help them put their past behind them and look at ways we can help them move forward.”




Seeking the right path

Peer support is a fundamental necessity for every Muslim teen. It is easy to become part of a crowd so one can be accepted; taking a stand, on the other hand, requires individuality and stamina, which can be bolstered by the right group of friends.

Organizations such as Muslim Student Association, Muslim Youth of North America, Muslim American Society Youth and local youth groups can harbor excellent social environments for teens to interact with others they can identify with in a positive way.

Community members can also work together to organize outdoor camps, volunteer activities, community potlucks, youth hikes, Islamic lectures and social events that can provide the social interaction that teens desire while solidifying the educational framework needed towards building stronger intellectual, physical, and spiritual personalities.

"Allah has put them in a position that perhaps no one else is in," notes Sheema Khan, former advisor for MYNA in eastern Canada. "They have the means to communicate with their peers, they have an understanding of what they're going through, plus they have the guidance of Islam."

Khan and Anwar agree that perhaps the best support system for Muslim teens in America is, in fact, Muslim teens themselves; being amongst other youth who are positive role models, whom they can identify with and can share experiences with is perhaps an ideal way to promote confidence, develop optimistic behaviors, and improve self-esteem.

“My advice to teens is to make the right decisions; if you see your friends doing these things, encourage them early on and help them out,” said Anwar. “You are old enough to make decisions for yourself, so it’s in your best interest to choose the right friends, follow the right path, and help each other out.”

* Names have been changed to protect privacy. 

Last Updated ( Friday, 04 December 2009 )